So now the almost entirely gay male cast has been granted new characters (save for Jonathan Frid, who gets his first shot at the pre-vampire Barnabas) and transported back to 1795, where men were men and wore trousers nearly tight enough for determining circumcision status.

In the scene where Barnabas confirms that he will be marrying Angelique, Lt. Forbes seems distressed, enough so to march over, outrageously splay his legs, and all but thrust his dick into Barnabas’s trembling mouth.

Frid plays the broken man here, still in his mourning attire but wearing gratuitously applied make-up, while Joel Crothers appears quite comfortable preening in Lt. Nathan Forbes’ anachronistic naval uniform, which looks as though a grandmother’s complete spoon collection has been affixed to the lapels. Now armed with a phallic saber and pre-1970s seventies sideburns, the actor reaches dizzying degrees of successfully smuggling homosexual signifiers into America’s living rooms via daytime television.

Please note where Barnabas forces himself to answer, “I love her,” (0:45) he is looking squarely at Lt. Forbes’ cock. There is little question as to where his affection truly lies.

One jut of the hips and the whole scene could go in a different direction, but since it is 1967 broadcast TV, Barnabas demurely requests some time to lie down, presumably for a hot, sweaty wank, while Lt. Forbes is left to take his saber to more fruitful pastures.