Alias is over. And I’m over it. It was a slog to get through to the end. Good – only three episodes left. Wait, there’s four? Nooooo!  So in what seems to be my theme for 2013, here are the bullets.

I don’t get it
– Why doesn’t Sydney make Sloane tell her what the Little Red Horizon beach ball does? Because it could have saved Jack. Right? I don’t know, this Rambaldi stuff confuses me. My main criticism of Sydney for the whole show – not curious enough. She doesn’t question anything.
– Why isn’t Jack (and everyone else) wearing a bullet proof vest?
– The flashbacks – just take up time and don’t make us nostalgic for the good ol days of season 1 and 2 because they are new flashbacks. They should have used real clips from previous seasons for the warm fuzzies. And if we’re going to have flashbacks good heavens give us some with some wigs. I have said this before but this is the show that wigs built. Respect them.
– A snake gets Peyton (Amy Acker) to give it up? A SNAKE? Why not just tickle her to death.
– Who the hell would promote Dixon to deputy director after all this nonsense?
– Why would they use the Big Red Ball to make everyone into zombies if they have the Little Red Ball to make themselves immortal? This just seems impractical. If you’re immortal why do you want zombies around? They don’t follow orders well. Presumably they smell. And they aren’t even fun. I get if they bomb DC and London they get everyone in line but again, zombies are not good at lining up. Isn’t it better if their minions are cognizant?
– Sloane will live out eternity under a rock considering his deeds. Eh, I guess.
– Irina wants the Little Red Ball. But doesn’t she need to use it in Rambaldi’s tomb to get the Red KoolAid of Immortality? If not, why did Sloane have to go back to fucking Mongolia? And why is Rambaldi buried in Mongolia anyway? I’m assuming the show invested some bank in Random Asian Tundra Set and is trying to get their money’s worth with Tibet, Mongolia, etc.
– Why on earth would Sydney and Vaughn keep the Bad Juju Tower Puzzle for anything? And why would they keep it anywhere their kids could get to it? That’s lazy writing folks.
– Why wouldn’t Sydney/Vaughn/Jack empty a clip immediately into Sloane, Irina and Sark on sight?
– Sydney and Vaughn have some kids, live in a lovely beach house and Dixon just drops by to ask them to work on a case? I suppose we all wanted to see them together but there was something hollow about this ending. It seems to simple and unsatisfying.

But here is what I was expecting and my biggest question – if Rambaldi discovered the Red KoolAid of Immortality – why didn’t he take it himself? I was sure I was going to see Rambaldi at the end. And half expecting him to be a character we’d seen before. Marshal would have been hilarious and explained why he was able to do everything in 5 seconds including hacking into government systems, infrastructure, etc. Missed opportunity.

The show got a bad hand when Jennifer Garner got pregnant. But it lost its frothy fun long before that. Even when bringing in new characters, it was still dull and far too serious. And knowing that JG was actually pregnant made me anxious for her – don’t run down those stairs! You’re pregnant for heaven’s sake!

A promising show that rocketed out of the gate with fun, not-too-taxing storylines that got mired in its own mythology. I suspect the problem on the back half is the same problem I had with Lost. It does not seem there was anyone who actually knew what was going on. I’m going be unfair here and bring up Breaking Bad. That show works so well because Vince Gilligan has a very clear vision for the story he wants to tell and how to tell it. I think JJ Abrams just gets a neat idea in his head and figures the rest will work itself because how hard can it be to wrap up a dozen loose threads? I mean it’s not like it’s based in reality or anything – we can just make it up! Yes, but it still has to honor its own logic and its audience.

I was thinking about other shows that ended knowing they were done and I was reminded of Freaks and Geeks. They knew it was over but their series finale was one of the best I can remember. It wasn’t so much about tying up story lines but setting characters on other storylines that were hopeful and made sense.


When Lindsay ditches math camp to join Kim and the hippies to follow the Dead it was really, a perfect TV moment. Uplifting and hopeful it is what we want for Lindsay. We want these characters to live on, even without us watching. But we’d like to think they are doing something worth watching if we could.