Chloë Sevigny in Hit & Miss. The photo should reverse that to Miss & Hit for the pun to come off.

What is it with Chloë Sevigny and penises?

Tender sex scene between Hilary Swank and Chloë Sevigny in Boys Don’t Cry. No actual dick involved; nevertheless, there is penetration.

Either we’re bewildered as to how she doesn’t know that it’s not one, but rather some sort of prosthetic or strap-on, inside her vagina, as was the case in Boys Don’t Cry (1999), one of those films that I found riveting but kind of hope to never see again.

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Gracious! This is what they used for the soundtrack cover? They didn’t exactly downplay the blowjob.

Or she’s sucking on one – attached to whom is up for debate – in Vincent Gallo’s The Brown Bunny (2003), which I was so excited to hate because it was renowned for its awfulness that I felt strangely disappointed when I rather liked it. (Raúl has a weakness for overly long films in which very little happens, non-simulated fellatio excepted.)

Now the actress has a new take on penises. Her character in the new U.K. thriller/family melodrama has a genuine wang swinging between her legs.

She’s a pre-op transsexual with a curvy figure and supple bosom, but still sporting a shaft and the family jewels. We get this information almost immediately – visually – in one of two shower scenes that creator Paul Abbott jams in, first to introduce us to and later remind us of the male member otherwise hidden under flouncy dresses, silky houserobes, or denim shorty-shorts.

Mia chooses Daisy Dukes for playing with the kids. I guess she is used to packing tightly at this point.

Sevigny plays Mia, who is unique not only for being transgendered, but more so for being a paid assassin. Well, hitman. Hitwoman. Hired gun. Contract killer.

Just like the need to show us her dick twice, we also need to see her perform two hits. I think Paul Abbott must think we have ADD. Okay, she’s transgendered and a hitperson. I get it.

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This is only the beginning. Mia’s girlfriend from her pre- pre-op days has just passed away and left guardianship of four ill-behaved children, one of whom, Ryan, is not only biologically Mia’s, but named after her  – when she went by that name.

We’re not sure when she started her transition, nor do we know how she entered her unusual profession, but we do know that she’s been saddled with a domestic drama taking place largely in an old stone farmhouse in Northern Ireland.

Oh, Ireland. I understand that Mia is Irish from a New York Times (unfavorable) review, which stated that Sevigny’s accent had been rated quite highly by those in the know. I must be out of the know, because I thought her character was American in her first speaking scene and was thereafter somewhat confused.

I have a much easier time accepting the prosthetic prick than her wavering accent, which to me seems to inspire the title Hit & Miss far better than the hitman/transgender pun.

Why not just make her American like Captain Jack Harkness for John Barrowman in Torchwood? If a U.K. show needs a big American name, let them use their big American voice.

I know, I fret about accents too much. Giancarlo Esposito’s Spanish on Breaking Bad nearly drove me mad whenever Gus Fring stepped out of English. I don’t mind accents; I just need them properly explained to me.

But I’ll drop it for now and state that otherwise, I like Sevigny in the role, though I think they should’ve gone a different route.

Mia favors frilly clothes unless she’s at work – stealthily murdering people for fat stacks of cash.

If you’re going to the trouble of building a show about a transsexual with the oddly paired duties of hitperson and sudden legal guardian to four disturbed children, hire a damn transsexual and make the splash that’s long overdue. It’s not as though transgendered performers are in short supply; plus, they could trim the budget. Initially, one would command a lower salary than Sevigny, and they could even save on fake dicks and eliminate the task of fixing the penis onto the pudendum, which I have read is a two-hour process that no one involved enjoys.

Moreover, I think the casting would create a real sensation, more than Sevigny can; we’ve already seen her suck a dick – is it that much of a stretch for her to wear one? A transgendered performer who played Mia, and played her well, could gain international superstar sex symbol status. Amanda Lear, you can serve as inspiration for a new generation of transgendered performers, this one freed from the confines of camp and unleashed into serious crime and domestic drama.

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You think the world isn’t ready for more chicks with dicks? The search engine terms used to find this blog speak otherwise. Case in point:

Ken Jeong’s Ballerina flirts with Ken Marino’s Mark on Burning Love. We get a peek up the satiny dress to what I fear is a thong. My guess is Ballerina’s carpet does not match the drapes.

Ken Jeong as Ballerina in the faux-reality web series Burning Love attracted more attention than I believe anyone had anticipated, and not just for laughs. In fact, I am convinced now that a number of viewers believed Ballerina was an authentic transgendered dancer/pedicurist.

So give the people what they want: an authentic transsexual. Ken Jeong is not really one to carry that flag.

Accent and pretend penises aside, I’m still not sure I like the show. Does it all have to be so glum? What is it with the U.K.? Is Northern Ireland really so dismal?

Side note for later: I can’t make myself watch Luther anymore, despite Idris Elba, because it’s so grim and horrific. Hit & Miss doesn’t dip so far as Luther, which to me now borders on horror rather than crime drama, but there’s no light at all in Mia’s story. Everyone’s miserable except maybe the poor schmuck reading the paper right before Mia slashes his throat.

One point of interest for many will be Mia’s sex life. She’s told all four children that she’s straight, meaning that she likes the ladies, though there’s already a handsome feller with his eyes on her. If a woman starts to rattle her engine, things could get really racy, which would at least liven the pace a bit.

Do I have to travel to a squalid Northern Ireland village to get this kind of glamourous lighting for my own karaoke?

But even sex portends misery, at least going by Mia’s choice for karaoke: Morrissey’s great, latter-day, self-hating Let Me Kiss You, which was covered later by Nancy Sinatra so well that I can’t choose my favorite! The lyrics suggest that Mia won’t get who she wants, and who she wants will probably be revolted by her transgendered state:

Close your eyes / And think of someone you physically admire / And let me kiss you / Let me kiss you

But then you, you open your eyes / And you see someone that you physically despise / But my heart is open / My heart is open to you

I am going with the Nancy Sinatra version here, just because some brilliant bastard set it to Jean Cocteau’s Beauty and the Beast:

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Oh, and since you made it this far, maybe give the show a try if you get DirecTV – and without further ado, here is your money shot. Meet Mia!

Dedicated to Doris W.