Archives for the month of: July, 2012

I gather Eric Perkins won this partially for playing tennis for 36 straight hours for a charity. Could NBC put him on this task indefinitely?

Like almost everyone, I hate NBC for their inept and insulting Olympics coverage. I want to see world-class athletes from not just the U.S. competing in real time every second I look at a screen, not commentators making small talk and making observations that a three-year-old child could state from looking at the television: “She fell down!”

I don’t want to hear how inarticulate the U.S. girl gymnasts (watch the interview, they’re not women) are in interviews with the banal, unqualified Ryan Seacrest. The network wants to show us, “Hey, these are just girls like your kids.”

But they’re not. They’re elite athletes who’ve foregone the better part of most kids’ childhoods to make the Olympic team. Don’t show me how they’re like the girl next door.

Show me how they’re not.

Just when I think that NBC cannot sink lower with with drivel from Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera, we have a local Minnesota correspondent to help us vicariously experience London and the Games. In the Twin Cities, that means our NBC affiliate KARE-11 has sent its sports director over – once again – to behave as an obnoxious, ignorant tourist and deliver what someone somewhere considers to be laffs.

Instead of presenting us with Olympic contenders as the girls next door, Eric Perkins insists that you take the trip to London along with him as a regular Joe.

Why can’t we send someone exceptional who will show us he is not a regular Joe? I don’t want jokes from a very, very unfunny sportscaster. I want a constant feed of information that I don’t already know or can’t plainly see being played out in front of me.

Please take this sample of his sportscaster comedy routine and time how long it takes you to cry uncle.

Instead of laughing, I am hurling hateful epithets and invectives at the screen. This is why I do not watch local news. How could such an onscreen idiot be a leader at a network station? Worse still, is he really reflective of his audience?

Do they think this joke is funny?:

“What happens if I stand by the top of that big clock, Big Ben, and ask, what time is it?”

Well, I watched the local news, heaven help me, and that’s just what he did, over and over and over, humiliating the United States with his stupidity set on repeat – a nauseating attempt at the American everyman on the street of London. “Do you know what time it is?” People look at their phones or watches instead of Big Ben. Then Eric Perkins looks at the camera in disbelief at what we’re asked to view as the dumbness of the pedestrians in his pathetic prank.

That’s the joke. We have reached the Idiocracy “Oh, my balls!” moment before, but now it’s sticking.

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This is this dipshit’s fifth time to go to the Olympics. Maybe he does know sports, but there’s no hint of it here. And maybe he knows his audience, which is upsetting to me, because then the audience is as stupid as he comes off as.

He’s purposefully disseminating and even escalating the foreign assumption that Americans celebrate ignorance and idiocy. In fact, if he’s who we send to five different Olympics, we’re even rewarding it.

Londoners for Eric Perkins: He could also have an encounter with Luther‘s Alice. I’ll bet she mixes a mean drink.

A professional sportscaster who takes world-class athletic competition seriously deserves to be the correspondent. And I deserve to have a viewing experience that does not force my mind into the dark place, this time an irrepressible, unfortunate scenario with Eric Perkins practicing his idiot American tourist routine whilst stepping into the wrong alley of London, popping out some line in his supposedly comical British accent like, “Oh dear, a hooligan!” before one of the more twisted psychopaths from Luther pulls his own trick with something shiny, sharp, and silver, and then slips Perkins’ slippery, still warm vocal cords into a jar labelled “American.” I don’t want Perkins to die; I want him to irretrievably lose the power of speech.

I know, it’s horrible. But it’s Eric Perkins’ only chance to make me laugh.

Walt has a new hero that he wants his family to know about: Scarface.

After Walt learns from Marie that Skyler has had a breakdown, he not only falsely blames and reveals her affair with Ted, he recognizes how shattered and frightened his wife has become since truly learning what her husband is capable of. His reaction: to gather their children around the television and blare the conclusion of Brian de Palma’s Scarface, cheering on the hyper-carnage to rouse Skyler from her self-imposed seclusion in the bedroom.

Walt once again asserts absolute control, here showing Skyler that her fears mean nothing to him – other than a novel avenue to exploit her. By encouraging Walt Jr. to yell Read the rest of this entry »

I hate to think that I come off as anti-British, especially taking into consideration how many times I have seen all the James Bond films, having been inculcated by my father as a wee one. I should have been delighted to see Bond worked into the Opening Ceremonies, but I am not impressed with the Queen just “being game” to lend herself to a scene. I want it big, like the finale of a Bond film. Big like Moonraker-in-outer-space-big.

Here’s how I would have fixed it:

First, great to start off with Daniel Craig, but way too long with no action in the halls of Buckingham Palace. No one wants slow-motion, ground-level shots of obese Corgi dogs waddling about during an Olymics Opening Ceremony, certainly not Raúl.

Daniel Craig changes swimsuit history.

Change: Standard shot of Daniel Craig in bed with a redhead face down on a pillow. Read the rest of this entry »

While I was watching the Olympic Opening ceremonies last night I thought, Raul expects me to write about this. And sure enough, I got an email about it. Well, I really did set up the expectation didn’t I? I’d rather be watching the Olympics than writing about the weirdness that was on my tv last night so I’m going to keep it to what I remember. In no particular order.

Five Golden Ring Showers
I liked the effect of the gold rings that flew in and the one wrought from the Industrial Revolution. It sort of – sort of – explained why so much damn time was spent on the depressing scene. The ring was wrought then flew up to meet it’s alien Read the rest of this entry »

I don’t like that the Olympics are every two years now. I just don’t. It’s less special and there’s something lost when you can’t switch between summer and winter sports at the same time. That’s a pretty neat trick.

Whether you like sports or not, I think most people are interested in the opening ceremony, especially since China’s splashy show in 2008. It really raised the bar into grand spectacle. Film director Zhang Yimou helmed that show and was aided by the Read the rest of this entry »

Chloë Sevigny in Hit & Miss. The photo should reverse that to Miss & Hit for the pun to come off.

What is it with Chloë Sevigny and penises?

Tender sex scene between Hilary Swank and Chloë Sevigny in Boys Don’t Cry. No actual dick involved; nevertheless, there is penetration.

Either we’re bewildered as to how she doesn’t know that it’s not one, but rather some sort of prosthetic or strap-on, inside her vagina, as was the case in Boys Don’t Cry (1999), one of Read the rest of this entry »


I must admit again I thought watching King of the Hill would be a breeze – a fun way to watch a show I was watching in reruns a few times a week anyway. Well shows what I know. I thought I would blow through early episodes that surely would not have the pacing or characters as developed as later seasons. I was caught off-guard by the pilot which had only a few minor wobbles Read the rest of this entry »

Mike is back from Mexico, here playing with his granddaughter Kaylee, in whose name Gus Fring had funneled over two million dollars into a secret offshore account, which has been traced by Hank and seized by the government, pushing Mike back into the game, even with Walt, who he considers a time bomb, as his partner.

The fifth season of Breaking Bad has begun, and my obsession with Gus Fring shows no hint of abatement.

Mike’s return from the makeshift ER in Mexico suggests that I’ll learn more about Fring as the season moves forward, but then, Mike really know how to keep his trap shut. Note the poker face he maintains after Hank announces that the two million Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s another film that I put off viewing. The documentary Man on Wire was released in 2008, but since it dealt with the World Trade Center Twin Towers, I always procrastinated, not wanting to see still more images of airplanes crashing into buildings and imagining the people inside the planes and the towers. I’d seen the footage Read the rest of this entry »

I saw The Dark Knight Rises at the drive-in this weekend. At first it felt a bit odd, and I wondered if I would know at which point in the film, the Read the rest of this entry »