Russian Olympic Uniforms as a Rorschach Test

I accidentally gave myself a Rorschach test while looking at the flag borne by the leader of the Russian athletes in this procession. I’ve already discussed my great displeasure in the design. Now matters are more complicated as I’ve discovered two bulbous penises engaged in what I imagine to be frottage.

Just as I reckoned that the unflattering grey Nike podium outfits worn by U.S. athletes are a clandestine ode to the era of Soviet supremacy in The Games, engineered by a covert Communist amidst the upper-echelons of Nike, I find yet another shock in the Russian design.

Penises engaged in frottage on the international stage. Russia makes a pronouncement and we cannot look away. I also see Jimmy Durante’s profile, but I believe that is coincidental.

Is there a gay agenda at work in the representation of Russia, with its repressive regime still intact though no longer Communist? Gays can’t catch a break in Putin’s post-Soviet Russia and its influential Orthodox church, but it looks like one of the homos has decided to plant an image into his (I’m guessing it’s a guy, but I will be scrutinizing everything from here on in for yonic symbols) compatriots’ collective subconscious with two male sex organs grinding together.

How else to explain the obvious mushroom-head male member in the center of the flag, with another similarly shaped phallus just to its left, as if the two were rubbing rapturously Russian-style? Are veiny, sinewy skin flutes  snugly situated on a red flashy fabric supposed to mount national pride or to conjure imagery to slide surreptitiously into the Slavic psyche? Red is Russia. One guess as to the white outlining the phallic shapes and spurting everywhere else.

Keith Haring photographed by Annie Leibovitz in 1986. Just turn the white to red and the black to white and you’re one step away from Russia’s Olympic design.

It’s as if Annie Leibovitz and Keith Haring were reunited to plant emblematic penises on every Russian athlete sent to compete in the Olympics.

This is what the gay agenda looks like in Russia. The U.S. has marriage amendments and Chik-fil-A  to keep both liberal and conservative minds off the tanked economy and the continuously growing disparity of wealth in the nation. Russia is parading penises in front of a billion pairs of eyes during the Olympics. It’s part of a plan.

Frottage is the gateway. Just watch.

Cross-Cultural Time Travel in Olympic Medalists’ Podium Attire

Team U.S.A. celebrates their gold medal in what I can only call Gulag Grey.

Why are the U.S. athletes on the podium dressed like proletariats from the Cold War Soviet Union? Did Nike want to remind us of the decadence of the bourgeoisie by putting dour grey uniforms on American athletes as they ascended the podium? Shapeless factory grey to shine a dim light on the corrupt capitalist state that dominates competition with seedy sponsorship from multi-national corporations with loyalty to only whatever political entities can be bought and bribed?

Is the outfit a subversive commentary from an insurgent designer on sweatshop laborers toiling in the shadows, awaiting liberation from a global Marxist-Leninist revolution?

But I put these outfits later than Lenin. Post-Stalin. I’m going to say 1960.

I can almost hear Nikita Khrushchev vigorously pounding his shoe in full accord.

1990? Not even Hammer Time.

Meanwhile, team Russia seems to have delved into the lower recesses of 1990 U.S.A. for something that MC Hammer would have rejected from his ensemble. Who commissioned something this hideous? The candy-cane tornado isn’t just unattractive, it’s an all-out assault on the eyes. It’s true that you should wear red if you want to get noticed, but not in the sense of inspiring gapers at the site of a train wreck.

The world fell in love with Gabby Douglas, who did win me over with her American determination and spunk, but I fell in love with Aliya “don’t touch me” Mustafina. Who could dare put such a commanding diva  into such a criminally horrible podium outfit?

No one, not even gorgeous and glamorous bronze medalist/bitch-goddess Aliya Mustafina can make this work. In fact, I’m surprised she deigned to wear it at all, though I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when some poor lackey had to present it to her. I am picturing a hotel vase smashed against the door and lots of scurrying.

And as if the U.S. outfits weren’t bad enough from the front, on the back they look like something fresh out of the penitentiary laundry. More subversive commentary, this time on the astonishing rate of incarceration in the Unites States? Drab and dreary isn’t enough? Was it necessary to make the men’s U.S. swim team look like a work-release group from a penal institution?

The electric-piss shoes seal the fate of the horrendous U.S. outfits. The French swimmers don’t look as good as the U.S. team in swimsuits, but in podium attire, they are clearly the aesthetic champions.

Meanwhile, France earned its gold spot on the podium for the 4×100 free relay with tactical advantage, sheer speed, and infinitesimally better medal ensembles. We need to worry less about which country stitches together the American outfits and put more attention into who designs them. Nike should be disqualified henceforth from any involvement. Let’s contract this out to the French for Rio.